Temperance, Renewal & Sorrow

[JaeRuss]

How do you curb your enthusiasm?

My enthusiasm is overwhelming,
And so, I become overbearing to all who shine a glimmer of light upon me

Is it ok to be clingy? Surely those who deceive are the unworthy ones?


How do you maintain your mind?

Mine was tainted before I could think, this rot must be cleansed before I can nurture a healthy one

Is it ok to be insane? Surely those who are "Sane" in this hell are lost?


How do you even fffffffKIN BECOME FINANCIALLY INDEFUCKINGPENDANT SO I CAN BE TRANS AND FREE ALREADY FK MY STUPID PHOBIC STEP DAD AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA FK ME!!!
FK CAPITLISM
FK CAPITLISM
FK CAPITLISM
FK CAPITLISM
FK CAPITLISM
FK CAPITLISM
FK CAPITLISM
FK CAPITLISM
FK CAPITLISM
FK CAPITLISM
FK CAPITLISM
FK CAPITLISM
Fk sakes, I've been here before..
WHY IS HOPE THE HARBINGER OF DOOM!?!?
I just wanna run away but I'm alone

[hehfg]

Yeah it's pretty tough. Creating a life for yourself that will make you happy to live as well as things like changing the world for the better are seemingly impossible tasks, but I wish you the best of luck anyway. I am doing my best and I hope you will too. Also please keep hoping and working for something better, it sucks when it feels like it always leads to disappointment, but god kmows how much worse the world would be right now if no one was brave enough to imagine if it was good. Love you, bye. Good luck

[dirtytowel]

Feeling very similar. I think its an adhd thing.

I got a job at a start up abt 5 years ago that gave me free reign on how I wanted to solve problems as a devops engineer. We had just purchased hardware and racked everything up, me and some friends I brought on board were ready to get things setup. We all loved the gig bc we got basically got to play with linux and servers as a full time job. But good things never last under capitalism and out of the blue a random exec who does no real work comes in and says "yeah fuck that, rewrite everything and use aws." I reacted "unprofessionally" towards that specific exec and I got the stern talking to from the ceo. Now I feel miserable bc I got my hopes up when I should have realized capitalism meant that it was doomed to loose all of it's soul from the start. At least for a little while the company operated much like a coop... There were a few good years, but I was naive to believe it would last.

Sorry for the extremely specific response. but to answer some of your questions:

> How do you curb your enthusiasm?

I struggle with this myself (see story above). It seems to be the classic problem of expectation not meeting reality. We become excited about things but we don't realize that much of it is out of our control. The foundation in which we try to build things collapses bc how can you build up when someone higher up the hierarchy sees it as a threat?

I really only see two solutions to this. become jaded, or get really good at getting back up when you get knocked down. both are painful, but suffering is part of life, it's what we can control that defines who we are. I am reminded of a quote from dumbledore in harry potter lmao.

“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.”

> My enthusiasm is overwhelming, And so, I become overbearing to all who shine a glimmer of light upon me

not necessarily a bad thing. intensity when pointed in the right direction is a good thing. I have seen from experience intensity pointed at people tends to be unproductive, while intensity towards ideas, problems, and/or things that are actionable is productive. Finding outlets you can rant about things with low consequence can be good. Working out is also helpful. And having friends you can rant to that know where you are coming from can also be helpful.

> Is it ok to be clingy? Surely those who deceive are the unworthy ones?

not quite sure what you mean here. though in the current world we live in it is more functional to be flexible.

> How do you maintain your mind? Mine was tainted before I could think, this rot must be cleansed before I can nurture a healthy one

I see a psychologist and a counseling that specialize in adhd. Treat your mind like any other part of your body. You will find it is a lot more malleable and flexible than you expect. That doesn't make it easy though :(. I am not the best example either, I became addicted to nicotine bc it seemed to help in the short term, though it is now a crutch and a problem in my life.

> Is it ok to be insane? Surely those who are "Sane" in this hell are lost?

there is real insanity: a mental disorder that impairs your ability to distinguish reality from fantasy. And then there is "insanity": when your philosophical ideals do not line up with reality. It's strange bc it seems to be a fine line to toe. But most of the time the people society deems sane fit very nicely as cogs in the machine that is capitalism.

> How do you even fffffffKIN BECOME FINANCIALLY INDEFUCKINGPENDANT SO I CAN BE TRANS AND FREE ALREADY FK MY STUPID PHOBIC STEP DAD AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA FK ME!!!

I have been there. unfortunately the only current way is working your ass off. a friend of mine who is trans is experiencing the same thing. It gets better with time, but it gets worse before it gets better. Try and find something that you can tolerate doing and convince a rich asshole's lackey to give you money to do that thing.

> WHY IS HOPE THE HARBINGER OF DOOM!?!?

goddamn that hits hard. idk but its the way it is :(

[JaeRuss]

Thank you, I really appreciate you both taking the time to respond.

I think I'm moving in the right direction(?)

hopefully HRT soon! <3

[JaeRuss]

Feeling very similar. I think its an adhd thing.

I got a job at a start up abt 5 years ago that gave me free reign on how I wanted to solve problems as a devops engineer. We had just purchased hardware and racked everything up, me and some friends I brought on board were ready to get things setup. We all loved the gig bc we got basically got to play with linux and servers as a full time job. But good things never last under capitalism and out of the blue a random exec who does no real work comes in and says "yeah fuck that, rewrite everything and use aws." I reacted "unprofessionally" towards that specific exec and I got the stern talking to from the ceo. Now I feel miserable bc I got my hopes up when I should have realized capitalism meant that it was doomed to loose all of it's soul from the start. At least for a little while the company operated much like a coop... There were a few good years, but I was naive to believe it would last.

Sorry for the extremely specific response. but to answer some of your questions:

No worries, there. Finding a way to relate through your experience is empathy, and I appreciate that immensely.

That situation sounds devastating. I have been thwarted so often I barely see a month ahead of me. Having years of dedication stolen by capitalism is awful and the fact is this is happening in every industry where these gut and cut profit margain pseudovalue griftonomics corpo suits go on a power trip and ruin people's lives... fk. It's soul crushing. Hard to get back going when that becomes the norm

uhghdfgh, I keep getting my hopes up and then getting carried away with it, trying to find a balance is definitely a challenge... I am reminded of one of my favourite songs by The Sword; "Don't get too comfortable"
I try to listen to it often.